The Unexpected Realization of Travel. Post Travel Depression, Greiving the Person You Used to Be.

This post has been on my mind for a while and it's also one of the hardest things to talk about with most people in my daily life especially if they haven't travelled or aren't sure how to relate feelings around my attempt at explanation, but also its hard for me to gather my thoughts during these conversations. So, I'm going to give this my best shot!

When I think back to younger Hannah, I remember at 17 going on my first international trip. This was my first time leaving the country and also going on a trip without my parents. I eagerly packed two large zebra print suitcases and off I went for a month and half to stay with family friends in the United Kingdom. Since that trip I travelled back to the United Kingdom three times and on the third visit I finally explored a new place Krakow, Poland. This was a really incredible trip getting to go back to the roots of my father's side of the family and experiencing all of that firsthand. Seeing Auschwitz was one of the most incredible, indescribable, most heavy-hearted experiences in my life. It was also exciting branching out to a new country.

Thinking back to those moments so many things cross my mind. First of all, I travel in a 40 Liter backpack on all of my trips currently, why in the heck did I pack so much back then!? The second thing I think about is how much that trip opened my eyes and started my love for travel. The younger version of myself would have hoped that travel would be such a large part of my life forever, back then I would be so proud and look up to the person I've become today. What an incredible thing to be able to say!

Getting lost in life's chaos, following the steps society tells us to follow, I lost track of what truly meant so much to me.

Exploring a lot of the United States in the meantime I'm fortunate to have seen a lot of my own country, but with prices rising in America international travel is much cheaper, and there's so much out there to see! The world was waiting for me, and I wasn't going to wait any longer. It was time to put myself first.

(Thankfully picture quality has improved over time)

Since travelling to so many different countries that have put me outside of my comfort zone, pushed me to think on my feet and solve problems on many different occasions while immersed in a foreign place without speaking the language has none the less made me feel like I can handle a lot of things in life.

Seeing so many new cultures, the way people live, and how they appreciate life has been one of the deepest most enlightening things to take over my soul.

Seeing the kindness of people across the world, meeting fellow travelers along the way that are immersing themselves into new environments and doing the same things as myself, and getting to try so many new things Is such an invigorating feeling!

The last year travelling has been one of the loneliest years of my life.

Phew!

It feels good to put that onto the screen in front of me.

Along with the loneliness I've felt it's also been one of the most exciting, soul searching, loving years of my life that's shown me so much of my own strength.

Post travel depression is something that we probably have all heard before. You get back from a great trip and all you can think about is all the amazing experiences while you're there, being away from the chaos of daily life at home, it's hard to not be sad when reality hits.

It's one thing to come home and miss the luxuries of beautiful resorts, beach front properties, and new experiences.

As a solo budget traveler your accommodation typically consists of sharing rooms with strangers who you rely on to be your best friends after one short conversation, finding the answers to all your questions by talking to locals, learning the area, and doing in depth research on countries you're travelling to learning every part of their culture that you can absorb while visiting. This all makes you dive so much deeper past just the luxuries a lot of us typically lean towards while travelling.

You're alone, being alone with yourself having all the time in the world to process what's in front of your eyes, reflecting on every small moment, and learning so much about what once was a foreign place. The impact it has on you is something different that often not all of us get to experience when inside of a resort, staying in our comfort zones.

Theres a saying that I've seen and often resonate with so much, "It's a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realized what changed is you."

After fully immersing yourself into another culture, learning new values, ways of life, and living out of a backpack for long periods of time, your perspective has changed. You realize maybe a slower lifestyle, like many countries in Africa follow is a great way to incorporate more time for yourself and not rush so much, or maybe all the small little cafes in Europe where you can sit and enjoy great company for hours and not be rushed out by the wait staff is a beautiful thing, even the kind nature, fun personalities, and exciting night life amongst the Egyptians brings something out in you that you haven't felt before.

No matter how hard you try to explain these thoughts or moments that cross your mind about inspiring things you've learned, or adjustments that you make to life, you find yourself talking in circles a lot of times trying to give a perspective and feelings of a new outlook on things that most individuals just haven't experienced yet in their life.

I don't see myself any more special than next amazing person, I'm not bragging by posting my experiences overloading social media, I don't want to show off and I definitely don't think that I'm better than anyone based on my new mindset. I'm just someone who feels at home around a group full of strangers with similar experiences and learning how to live in a place that was once so familiar my whole life.

Learning to exist in a life with a new mindset and remembering your past self can be challenging. Thinking of your new and old values, finding balance can be a struggle. Knowing there's a part of you longing to feel a breath of fresh air for the person you know in your heart travelling, but holding your breath to make life easier in the meantime is a balancing act, not every day you wake up holding things perfectly centered.

The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance.

• Denial, Coming home feels like a foreign world, reverse culture shock hits you, and you have to wake up and go about your day no matter what.

• Anger, the frustration of people not understanding, having their minds made up on many countries, religion, and idea of how sad it is for the daily lives of others across the world all based on what the media has portrayed or possibly someone else's bad experience. Unknowingly making comments about people who have touched your life greatly during these experiences and become your friends.

• Depression, the first two stages of grief play into depression along with the thoughts and photos that you constantly think of after an incredible life changing experience you've left behind now knowing they are just memories.

• Acceptance, the hardest part personally. Going about everyday knowing what you're feeling inside, not talking about it because not many people understand, and putting a smile on your face and doing whatever you need to do every day, while the thoughts of the most incredible, life changing, proud moments are tucked away because it's just easier that way.

The day you know that it's time to go back to a place that's supposed to feel familiar and be "home" is always a morning that is filled with a heavy heart and rush of emotions.

Being confused myself about all my new feelings, it was hard to understand them at first and nobody at home could make sense of them either. I don't blame anyone for this, we all have our own journeys and mine is on full speed at the moment! I will say, just because you might not understand what someone is trying to explain with their emotions, but that doesn't mean that the other person has a problem or is mentally ill needing therapy.

I know what I'm feeling, I sit my thoughts and process things often (much more than I ever used to). I knew that the largest part of my struggle was and is just a lack of understanding, compassion and being able to share things openly without feelings of being judged or passed off as needing "help".

Getting to talk to other travelers along the way I learned we are all dealing with this in our own ways, all on different levels of the thought process, and all finding ways of how each of us handles the adjustment.

The sigh of relief that I feel in my body to be able to talk to individuals who understand, where I can speak freely, not feeling alone and knowing someone else understands makes me know that I'm not crazy. Other people are experiencing a shift from leaving their comfort zone and have all crossed a path that's changed them.

I'm not broken and alone.

Nowadays when I'm in America I've made a lot of changes to my life. I'm here to say with the most incredible fulfilling year of my life it also came with challenges.

Not going out on the weekends, sitting at the bars/clubs, going out to eat with friends, and deciding how to spend my money knowing that the cost of a dinner in America could provide me such an incredible adventure in a new country it's been easy and hard giving up those things.

I've lost friends but also gained a lot of new incredible friends across the world. I've learned to stay at home more and find things to enjoy with myself like reading, new hobbies, my blog, journaling, getting to spend time with my pets while I'm home and most of all learning that stepping aside from society to be with myself and process growth with no outside interference has given me so much peace in my life.

I wake up early to talk to friends in other countries, work out, do yoga, walk the dog and I give myself a slow-paced environment without feeling rushed before starting my day. Realizing I'm never going to change the culture we have developed in our society over time I've slowly gained acceptance of that, but what I can change are parts of my day to show myself some love and set myself a tone for the day before leaving my house.

I like listening to the music I save from countries during my mornings, it helps me feel more at home and reminds me of the inspiring memories to not ever forget and all the ones to keep looking forward to!

I'm constantly researching new places to explore, finding an experience I want to take part in, and planning my next adventure. Spending my time doing something I love has developed into a lot of quiet time and distance in my life, but that's okay. I always have something to look forward to and that makes each day so much better. Adapting is still a struggle, and keeping quiet about a huge part of my life is tough, but I'm learning to accept these differences, and I enjoy the moments when I can talk freely about the last year that has changed me as a person, opened my eyes, and made me feel the proudest about myself that I've ever felt.

I'm hoping with this post it shines a little light into my life for those who just see a small part of it on social media or just have made an assumption that I'm rich and fortunate to travel. I am by NO means rich; I travel broke and have made sacrifices to make something that means so much to me my reality. I have absolutely no regrets for the decisions I've made, debt, or distance that's accumulated this last year.

I'm so grateful for friend's I've made travelling that continuously put effort forth into friendships no matter the time differences, and the friends/family who have asked questions and even if they don't understand they do their best to keep an open mind and be supportive. If you travel and you realize you're having new thoughts that won't go away. Don't let anybody tell you that how you feel is wrong because of their confusion. Don't believe that it will just pass with time. A traveler is never truly home once your heart has been spread across the world. Theres always going to be a longing for the next adventure.

You're not alone.

A quote from M. Scott Peck

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

This year it's been my belief that we come across people and moments in this life, forming bonds, changing parts of us unknowingly, right when we need it.